Irrespective of whether you are deeply religious, an atheist or a firm believer in quantum physics; it seems that we all agree that we’re living in a world of causes and consequences. Personal choice is everything and the meaning we choose to assign to our experiences guides our feelings, beliefs and actions. Us humans are meaning-making-machines gifted with the power of choice and personal narrative. The decisions we make and the stories we tell about the world and our place in it massively affect our experience of life.
A key component of modern counselling and therapy is endeavouring to instill the value of being open to the possibilities available to us. Perception isn’t reality – it’s your reality. Objective truth does exist but our human nature encourages us to habitually immerse ourselves in our subjective interpretation of this truth. Life isn’t happening to us – we’re responding to life. In each situation, both the positive and the negative, there are always many perspectives we’ve yet to consider.
Counselling isn’t necessarily about totally changing a person’s belief system. It’s about introducing new ideas to encourage a person to think more flexibly; without biases, distortions, inaccurate information and the burden of overly loud emotions.
A principle that underpins my work is the belief that people don’t need fixing. From my experience it’s better to evaluate the health of our thinking to see if it currently empowers or disempowers our life. I also believe that developing our emotional intelligence and truthfully auditing our day-to-day behaviours are the gateway to a more wholesome life with a reduction in unnecessary suffering.
In my practice it is very clear that most people have conclusions and expectations about the future based on what has happened in their past. This is totally understandable and dare I say ‘normal’. However, that doesn’t take into account the lessons they’ve learned along the way.
My role as a counselor is to encourage my clients to take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Only when a person takes ownership for parts or all of their life can they become fully empowered and forge a life they feel naturally motivated to live and enjoy.
We can let life crush us or we can choose to crush life. It’s up to us.
As imperfect humans many of us tend to spend our 20s, 30s, 40s (and even later) unlearning limiting beliefs that have been holding us back. Unfortunately there are also many people who do not go through this necessary process to become a well-rounded human. Without a conscious effort to improve, it’s difficult to mature and overcome our unhealthy patterns of being.
There is no avoiding the reality that our inner world shapes our outer world. Self-knowledge and self-control is the foundation we should try to build from if we are to maximise our individual potential and become our best selves.
When possible, it’s better to respond to facts rather than feelings alone. However, most of the time we simply don’t have enough information to form concrete conclusions about a situation. Therefore, it can be helpful to recognise this and choose to remain open-minded and cognitively flexible. The alternative is to solidify a narrow and complete belief-system which will drive our emotional surges later on.
If pushed, we should pause, then try to mindfully respond instead of mindlessly reacting. If necessary, we should firmly and politely establish a clear boundary – then keep calm and carry on.
How I Approach Counselling
1) Investigation – I will not have you repeatedly lying down on a sofa recounting your worst moments in great detail. However, understanding where you have come from is important as well as establishing the origins of any present day challenges you now have. Together we identify this origin as the first point in a memory chain which forms part of your self-understanding.
2) Change – Once you’ve developed more accurate self-knowledge and a more complete picture of yourself, we can ask the question; what do you want to change and how will you achieve this in a way that endures?
Somebody who is ungrounded is unable to find stability in themselves. The core work of therapy and counselling is to get somebody grounded so they get into a position where they understand what’s going on with themselves in regards to their thinking, emotions, body and others.
Got No Money Right Now?
You can change your life without money if you are determined to do so. By adapting and re-engineering your resources, your quality of life can radically improve and transform into something unrecognizable from your current place of dissatisfaction. All you need to get started is:
Work Ethic: A willingness to do the work necessary to implement meaningful change.
A Healthy Attitude: This doesn’t mean being positive 100% of the time but it does mean having faith in action and a positive intention.
A Students Mind: It’s beneficial to understand your current limitations and be open to new information.
Got any questions or want to book a session? Send me an email emotionalrefugeuk@gmail.com. All enquiries are private and confidential. If you genuinely can’t afford counselling right now please still reach out and I can recommend you other resources such as books and videos etc..